Friday, May 22, 2009
The Second part of my life...
It was the middle of the year 2004. after being through a rough teen hood plagued with school bullies, humiliation and a resulting inferiority complex, I had finally overcame it. I took up bodybuilding, and it helped me rebuild my life and move on. I was now a confidant young man with a developing personality. I felt I was a little weird, as any young kid about 17 years of age would be really arrogant if he had some mean muscular development. I was not, I was humble and nice to everyone, and perhaps due to this was still vulnerable to bullies.
I was very lonely. Hardly had any female friends., so I got pretty excited when Y started showing interest in me. She spent plenty of time with me and started calling me nightly. She even cuddled up to me when we met. I won't say I was madly in love or anything, it was probably just an infatuation. I was just elated thinking that I might have finally found a companion after being alone for so long. I got to know her through a mutual friend. We had personalities that contradicted each other. I was the nerdy Mummy's boy. Well
kempt, soft spoken, got homesick at like a freaking 7pm, and lead an organized and goal oriented life. She on the other hand was the wild child, the party animal. Her mouth was like a steam trains engine, either spewing foul language or cigarette smoke. she was badly behaved and had some serious arrogance issues. The difference didn't seem to bother me. Perhaps I was blinded by the joy that seemed to have replaced the loneliness, perhaps I thought she would make my life more interesting. Y appeared to give me clues that she was interested to be more than just friends on several occasions. I did too, but was too shy to open up further. Her close friend did cajole me about it, and I did admit to that friend that I liked her. I'm not sure if she told Y, but I think there is a 90 percent chance that she did. Life seemed a bit more happening for me for the first time as Ive never had much experience with girls before this. One day, she invited me to a chalet. It was to be her, me, and a few close friends, mostly couples. I was excited at the thought that if the rest of the people where mainly couples, I'd get to spend a good part of the next 3 days with Y. I finally got a good opportunity to perhaps open up even more!
We met at a friends place to gather necessities before heading to the chalet. She showed up with her "best friend", who also happens to be her ex. It didn't bother me at first, but as the day passed, things where awkward. She hardly talked to me and was with her best friend all the way. I was pissed as she gave me the impression that she was going to spend quality time with me. Then she slowly started showering him with affection right in front of me. Ive been out with them before, and knew that they where not physically close. Why now, all of a sudden?
I was hurt, confused and upset. She never mentioned anything about getting back with her ex. Even a day before, she gave me the impression that she was interested in me and looking forward to spending time with me. I didn't know what to do or who to confide in. No one knew except her and me. She just got more and more intimate with him. I could see from her face, she knew she was hurting me, but she didn't care, she just continued. I just distanced myself and walked ahead as they walked hand in hand. At night, I couldn't sleep. My eyes strayed over to Y, she was hugging her ex tightly and sleeping under a blanket. When I got up in the morning, I saw Y laying on top of him and French kissing him. As much as it was hurting, I got to admit, it was a romantic sight. "It was too bad for me, I'd never get to feel such warm romantic feelings"I thought. I left the next day itself, completely heartbroken and dejected. Why did she do this to me? What wrong did I do? Did she plan this to satisfy some sick fantasy of breaking a guy's heart?
I stopped calling her, and kept to myself after this episode. I could feel the inferiority complex I had overcame before sinking in again. I had experienced rejection several times before when I tried to fit in and stuff, but this was much worse! Perhaps I was blinded, thinking that just because I had a better physique now, I was the biggest deal in the world. The fact that her ex was a slightly fat guy bashed my confidence, and made me feel that even if I had a better physique, I still sucked as an individual. No girl would ever want a guy like me. I felt as though I existed just to be walked all over on by others no matter what I did to step up. It took me quite a while to recover from the hurt, but I did. I had other bad experiences with girls and their best friends after this, but I guess this was the worst.
Ultimately, it was bodybuilding which came to my rescue again. I vowed to avenge myself, but not by attacking anyone. I wanted to be a better person, and be extremely successful in whatever I did. I wanted never to be stepped on or bullied ever again. I wanted to show everyone what Ive got. Sometimes, success can be the best revenge! I told myself that I didn't need friends, I didn't need to fit in. I'll develop myself to be someone who stands out instead, and someone who people would regret rejecting! I began stepping up on whatever I was doing, especially bodybuilding. I set goals that I wanted to win prestigious bodybuilding titles! This new mindset increased my mental strength tremendously. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and every setback became motivation. Hurt became determination. Ridicule became constructive criticism. Soon, my mental strength and focus became invincible. No one could break me now. I believe this was the second turning point in my live.
Now, I have come a considerable distance in bodybuilding. I wasn't where I wanted to be yet, but the progress was fantastic. I had won some amateur titles, been featured in the papers and much more to date. The warmth and joy of my achievements however hid a large empty portion of my soul, the part which was lonely. 7 girls had been in and out of my life. Mostly they made use of me, either for my money, just to kill time or left me for their best friend. What they all had in common was, the relationships where very short and insincere. They kept me a secret from their folks, and when they left me, they left with no hesitation. They made me feel more expendable than ever. Each time it happened, I recovered and got stronger. My bodybuilding dreams where always there like a beacon, and those girls just became more motivation for me, more reasons for me to show the world what Ive got. My personality also improved too, and I was changing from the naive and gullible boy to perhaps an arrogant egomaniac.
Then I also had to deal with all the wrong people who come into my life. There where those people who knew that I was soft and forgiving, so they tried to verbally bully and embarrass me to make themselves seem better. There were those egoistic people who put me under extreme scrutiny. Just cos I had a better physique, they would try to point out and emphasize my weaknesses and put me down. The worst of the lot where gays; imagine longing for a female companion, but getting excessive attention from guys instead! The bad experiences and wrong people in my life made me stronger, less gullible, harder and fiercer. I learnt to stand up for myself. Now people could neither physically nor verbally bully me. The experiences also taught the value of a pure and sincere relationship, one which I couldn't seem to get. I continued longing for a sincere partner, and my soul grew emptier as I continued being alone. Only my family and bodybuilding dreams kept me going.
Finally one day, on the 12
th of November 2006, God answered my nightly prayers for partner. He introduced me to the most amazing girl in the world! Perhaps, He had been preparing me for this all along, putting me through all the bad experiences and rejections to teach me the value of a partner with a pure heart, so that I'll truly treasure her. I just didn't see it til now. I guess he thought I was finally ready!
This girl was so different. We just clicked. Ever since she came into my life, I feel like Ive been blessed by an angel. She has so many good qualities that I don't know where to start! She is caring, honest, brave and trustworthy. She is one who made great decisions, and always thought about the consequences. She is one who sees the path ahead. She is one who made her choice, and had the guts to stick by it. For the first time, I dated a girl who didn't keep me a secret. In fact, her parents where the first to know when she started seeing me. She was of pure heart, and was very sincere with me from the beginning itself! My life now became like wonderland, every time I was with her, the surroundings seemed to turn into gold dust. Everyday went by like another page in a fairy tale. My friends started taking notice of how happy I became. Sometimes I'd just randomly burst into a giggle of joy when I think about her! People gave me strange looks, they thought I was crazy. In fact I was, I was absolutely crazy about her!
One of her outstanding qualities is her romantic side. She's full of romantic ideas, and being loved by someone with a pure heart like her is just out of this world. The outlook I had on my life had changed, and my once lonely and empty soul is now radiating with life! I began to feel that everything I ever been through in my life, every rejection, every suffering, every pain, every bad day was worth living through cos it lead to this path in which I met her. I now feel the the greatest day ever in my life will be the day when I marry her. She has cured all the wounds in my heart, and done so much for me that I no longer feel expandable. I now have new dreams in my life. I feel that I was created just for her, and I live just for her. I want to shower her with love, and take care of her just like she takes care of me, all my life. I want to be there for her whenever she needs me.
Her name is
Saras, and today is a week away from our 2 years and 5 months anniversary. Dear
Saras, I just want you to know that you are the best thing that has ever happened in my life Darling! Its been 25 months and I'm continuing to love you more and more as the days pass. I'm still as crazy about you as when we first met!! I love you with all my heart sweetheart! I just can't wait to be with you later today and get the gold dust feeling again! :D! Kisses to you :D
I Love my Angel!
11:00 AM
I Love my Angel!